empty.shattered.flushed

 Knowing that I'm going to IP in a few weeks has certainly not made things easier...it's made things much harder.  I don't enjoy my insane binges, they feel pointless.  BUT I CAN'T STOP!!  On onehand, I want the time so I can b/p 'cause I know it's going to be my last soon, but on the other, I just want it to be over.  And I've completely stopped eating without purging, because I keep thinking, Well you're going to have to eat like a motherfucker and keep it all down soon so...  Life is really hard right now.  I honestly can't wait to really start working.  I've been waiting for this for a year and a half.  I am ready to recover, and do amazing things with my life.  (After this last binge of course...haha)  My new psychiatrist wants me to go to St. Paul's after, but I really don't want to.  Their whole freakin treatment method based on pity is not on my list of helpful things.  I guess we'll see where time takes me...

 Yesterday: 
- 9-5.45 : work
- 6.15: home, blow adderall, smoke a cigarette
- 6.30: go to grocery store: 2 boxes kd, 1 lemon pound cake, 1 bag sour cream and onion ruffles chips, 4 chocolate bars, 2 packs cigarettes, 2L bottle diet coke (strange looks from cashier)
- 7.10: McDonalds: 1 Big Mac, 1 McChicken, 2 large fries, 2 cokes
- 7.55: home, run to bathroom, puke, smoke
- 8.30: 1 pear, 1 orange
- 8.36: puke
- 9.00: 5 cups popcorn drenched in butter and salt
- 9.45: puke, smoke
- 10.30: blow ativan, and eat the aforementioned bag of chips, pound cake, coke
- 11.03: puke, smoke
- 11.15: 1 chocolate bar ("NO MORE PUKING")
- 11.20: puke (damn...)
- 11.30: 3 remaining chocolate bars
- 11.40: puke
SLEEP
  Today:
- 10.00: wake up, eat half a loaf of bread with butter, peanut butter, jam
- 10.30: puke, smoke
- 11.30: 13 pancakes -can't stand straight, purging takes all of 1 minute
- 12.00: remaining 5 pancakes
- 12.20: puke, smoke
. . . . .

 Things are so crazy right now.  I went and saw this new person on friday, she's a nurse but does this amazing therapy that sounds completely crazy but seriously once the world realizes this is all you need, big pharma is hooped.  Anyway i was so preoccupied with being blasted this weekend that I haven't even had time to think of food really.  Friday after my appt my friend called and said she damaged her new boss' sweeet ride (it's the most amazing car I've ever been in...really really expensive) and wanted me to go out to Bear Mountain to get her trashed.  

So we finished off a two-six of rum, then decided to go walk around.  We end up at the bar and drink some more, get a $50 bill ??  so not worth it, and we didn't have any money on us and the security guy is sitting right next to us and I'm talkin him up and he had to bring us back to the apartment to get the money, but I told him to come back.  So Robin and I smoke a few bowls, she passes out, I blow some drugs, I have no idea what, and then mr. security shows up.  We hook up, interrupted twice on his radio by dispatch and he makes up some bullshit about breaking up a party.  When we're finished, he says -this is the million dollar part of the night- "I've gotta getback to my kid."  I sober up right there, I'm like YOU HAVE GOT TOBE SHITTING ME!!  So then I ask, "Is there a woman waiting too?" and he's all like uh uh i uh  .....  I am so not impressed.  I just fucked someone's husband and father while he was being paid.  Yeah.  I think that about tops my list of sexual encounters.  

I drove back into town around noon yesterday, so hungover, blew a bunch of shit and passed out until 10pm.  Woke up, ate, puked, slept, got up, realized my candybowl  is bone dry, ate, puked, slept, got up, ate, puked, slept, got up and went back out to bear mountain just to get out of the house.  And by this point, I am freaking out cause I need some drugs.  You know how bad it is when your dealer doesn't call you back.  So I called up a friend to get to her dealer and now I am just waiting.  And I just realized I haven't eaten since 11am and it is almost 7 and all I can think about is getting fucked.  I have another appointment tomorrow which I'm kind of looking forward to but at the same time I feel like it's kind of pointless.  Do I really want to get better right now?  I mean as long as I'm obliterated I don't really care.  Maybe that's my problem.

 Last night I had a girls night with some friends.  It was really fun, and I purged once because my stomach kinda hurt, but was quite content so didn't worry about it after.  In the morning, we made banana pancakes, which I had to restrain myself from binging on, and smoothies.  I had two, so I still felt okay about it (I know I'm totally slacking lately) When we came back from a long walk, we opened he Pringles, and I ate most of them, then had another pancake.  By this point I was freaking out a little, but one of the friends there knows about the bulimia, so I didn't want to ruin the fun by purging. But it gets worse.  She then made nachos which were freakin delicious.  After that I was so full, my body was actually cold and shaking.  I'm not used to keeping that much food down!  And then I was thinking how weird it was that my friends actually eat that much on a daily basis and never puke.  It's so crazy!  It really made me realize how hard treatment is going to be.  I can't even imagine having to eat six times a day and not do anything about it. 

I've been away for two weeks (and with no internet). I was visiting my friend who is bulimic, as am I, currently. And I don't just mean bulimic, I mean severely eating disordered and seriously fucked-up. We met in treatment a few years back, and we've become the best of friends outside all the ED crapola.

Anyway, it was very interesting, needless to say. We both were doing a lot better together than we had been on our own, but that's not to say we weren't binging and purging together -SICK, I know, but there is an indescribable comfort in being able to do commit such an abhorrent act with someone you love so much and who actually understands and is doing the same thing. B/p'ing for me has always been really isolated and private, but this was nice because eating is often a very social thing, and I miss that, but I obviously can't eat normally, so at least we could do our thing with someone who wasn't judging and without being embarrassed.

We both gained a lot of weight in the last two weeks...I think mine was mostly water and I've managed to get back down slowly to a more tolerable number, but man was I freaking out. I wanted to stay with her forever, but I also just wanted to get the hell out of there so I could lose more effing weight.

Being there just strengthened my desire for treatment. We had initially planned to go to a program together, but my friend is always vacillating between wanting help and wanting to stay sick, and I finally decided that I needed to focus on myself. It was such a hard decision because I hadn't realized that I care more about her than I do about me, and I basically felt that I had this huge decision to make: my life or hers. I always feel like it's up to me to save her, to take care of her, I want her to get better so badly, and my own problems never take priority over that. I think it has a lot to do with my self-worth issues that I focused on a lot during my previous treatments but has never been resolved. But I feel good about my decision. I left, and as hard as it is, I need to accept that she needs to be the one to take care of herself. I definitely want to recover once and for all, I have so many plans for my life but I can't do any of them with an eating disorder. I'm not looking forward to dedicating four months of my life to a hospital and myriad therapy sessions and groups and meal after meal after meal, but I know it's what needs to be done, and I am so ready to do whatever it takes to beat this. I guess in the long run, those months won't have been wasted.

I still question whether it's ever possible to fully recover. After 11 years, I don't think I ever will. I do believe, however, that I will recover, improve to a point where I can live a life where food and weight and purging and exercising will not be the sole consuming focus of every moment of every day. That's what I hope to get out of treatment. But I think there's a lot that can't be undone. Eating disorders are a mental illness. I think they are wired into the psyche, the genetics, the soul. I think there are certain things about the EDs that once they are there, you cannot get rid of them, especially when you have been recalling them and thinking them and living them as long as I have. They become as much of a habit as getting out of bed when you wake up. They are their own language, fluently spoken with time, they become a dangerously normal part of life. There will always be triggers and, most hauntingly, memories.

I wonder things like, how will I ever be able to eat certain binge foods in normal portions, and without purging? How will I ever be able to stop purging when I know it is so easy, and uninduced? What if I am older and want to go on a diet to lose fifteen pounds in a healthy way? How does one do that without completely starving themselves? What will I do when I am a career woman, and working all day -how will I be sure that I will make the time to eat lunch every day?

In any case, like I said, what I want is to get to a point where I can at least manage a life, and I believe that much is possible. Now that I'm back, I need to decide where it is I want to go to treatment (I've got two choices, both out of town). I really don't feel like taking any of the steps to get there, I just want to go -once I've lose more weight of course.

Emily

I'm always wondering what other people think of me, cause like at school I'm really quiet, I'm older than everyone, I never talk to anyone, don't have any friends, work diligently, top marks in every class. But it's all by choice -I don't resent not having friends at school or anything, I personally could care less, I'm just there to finish and get out, and I'm quite happy the way things are.

BUT...I always wonder what my peers think of me? They probably think I'm this straight-edge kid, doesn't party, would never smoke, loser with no friends, but just plain normal. The truth? Well I don't party so much anymore, but I do have a fake ID, and got that when I was 17, I smoke, drink, do drugs, sleep with waaay older guys, was a WILD partygirl (and always will be at heart), anytime I go out I run into tons of people I know from random clubs and parties and such, and of course am killing myself, living each day in agony, seriously f*cked in the head. But my classmates know none of this. I feel like I'm living a double life, this secret life. I think if anyone ever knew what I was really like, well first of all they wouldn't believe it, but also they would just think I was completely insane.

For some reason it just kind of bothers me that everyone thinks I'm just this normal person with no worries, or probably I don't even make enough of an impression to be thought of at all. I just hate that, cause everything is so messed up, and I am FAR from "normal". The worst is when I see my old teachers or friends or their parents who I haven't seen in a while and they all tell me "You look great!" Like what do I say to that? Thanks? Yeah right. I mean I've lost so much weight that apparently 60lbs is noticeable, but I still don't look good, and worst of all my insides are a marred mess, and I never ever in the least feel "great" -so far from that. On one hand I want people to know that I'm not okay, but on the other, it's easier just having them compliment me and think that everything is fine. It just kills me. I also hate the thought that my classmates probably think I'm all naive and don't ever party or anything, as I mentioned, but it really bothers me for some reason because I don't want them thinking that, I want them to know that I'm not who they think I am, that I'm really not this typical straight-A classical musician..."I'm cool, I swear!" I suppose it all has to do with insecurities.

Anyway, I just got back from my LAST CLASS OF HIGH SCHOOL EVER!!!! I can't even say how excited it makes me. I have two provincials to write on Monday and Tuesday, then I am officially graduated! It feels so good to be done this part of my life, but I'm not gonna lie to you, I do love shcool (I know, I'm weird) and I'm already panicking about not having that commitment in my life. Though I don't want to go on to post-secondary yet, I do want a break.

Emily xo

Well life has certainly been a whrilwind lately. My soul is dying and it's taking my body with it.

My weight is down at the lowest is has been since I was in recovery a couple of years ago, but I am still so dissatisfied...it's never enough. I HAVE to lose 15lbs over the next two weeks, probably more like 18 now since I've been binging and purging the last few days. I feel horrible. I feel lifeless. I feel trapped and lost and all I want to do is give up. I can't do this anymore.

I went to the doctor on Monday, and she didn't even examine me! No blood pressure, no temperature, no blood-work. In fact, she congratulated me that my bmi was not in fact underweight. This was only because I had gained 4lbs in water weight over the weekend, and was, up until that point, clinically underweight. Nonetheless, it was major incentive to kick ass and lose more weight. When I told her I hadn't eaten in two days (which I felt like a failure for, since I had made 7 entire calorie-free days up until Thursday), she suggested that I simply eat more so my body doesn't begin to eat muscle and damage my kidneys. Woman, you obviously do not understand eating disorders. First of all, I clearly don't give a rat's ass about my body's conditions. Secondly, if I lose muscle, that's a lot of weight loss as well. And lastly, obviously if I could eat, I WOULD and I wouldn't have been there in the first place. I didn't know if I should be happy because she didn't examine me and therefore didn't know that my bp and temperature are abnormally low, and my electrolytes most likely off-balanced as well as who-knows what other type of nutritional discrepencies in my blood; or if I should be mad because I obviously was just too fat to be taken seriously.

There were some good -? things that came out of the meeting. She did take me somewhat seriously, and talked to a few doctor's. I will be starting treatment again at the outpatient Eating Disorders Program. I got a call today from them, saying I would be seen by my old psychiatrist, which I was enraged by because I was supposed to see a new person, and my former psychiatrist and I did not leave on a good note, and I really do not want to have to see her again. However I do want to see my old ED therapist, but haven't heard anything about that.

I have been really emotional the last couple days. I keep crying at everything. I hate myself. I hate myself for not being able to have this self-control and I hate the laws of science for not being able to lose infinite amounts of weight constantly. Most of all, I hate this life. I hate that I can't put anything in my mouth without wanting to die. I hate that I feel like a miserable failure all the time. I hate that I am so alone and that no one is miraculously saving me. I hate how much I want to get better, but how petrified I am of it. I hate that sleep has become a twisted and dreaded part of my life; every night I have horrible anxiety dreams about food and eating and weight. And now that school is drawing so close to and end, I am scared of what I will do after. The holiday break started today, and it's mere trepidation. I need something, structure of school, to keep me going for the next two weeks. I need something to keep my mind off my abhorrent self. I need something to do to keep me from eating.

I might go visit my best friend in another city for a few days. I'm trying to decide if it is a good idea or not, since we are both very ill with eating disorders. I also do not like leaving the house, so I don't want to get there and feel incredibly uncomfortable.

Well I am glad that I finally got some of these tumultuous thoughts out, even though there is a plethora of others still continuously buzzing around in my head and seeping into my dreams.

So this, I say, with empathy to those who I know are sturggling as well at this time of year: Happy Effing Holidays.

Emily

Well it's been a while since I've posted anything and I could go on for pages but for your reading sake I will try to keep it short.

Things have gotten really bad, I am in the death grips of the illness and cannot allow myself to get out. I took a step, by making a doctor's appointment, but it's not for another ten days so I still have some time to lose weight :) My biggest fear is that she'll put me in the hospital...gawd I CANNOT be in there again, I swear I will fight to the death to stay out! But I do want out of this all so badly...but at the same time I just want a little bit longer...just lose a little more weight...50 lbs down in the last 4 months...more? I think so.

My english teacher pulled me out of class this week to voice concerns about me. I confided in her today, which was reliving because she was amazing to talk to, but I'm wondering if it was a mistake because she told me: "I hope you know I am going to take an active role in this." I just want to finish school, I'll be done in 7 weeks, then go to treatment, but she doesn't think I can hold out that long, and also thinks I am beyond ability to make decisions like that. EEK!! My last school actually refused to take me back as a student until I made changes, so gawd forbid that happens here.

I had about 70 calories of raisins today and a cup of black coffee, not one bite more. I am itching to get to the gym soon. I'll be down another 2lbs tomorrow. I'm not even hungry. I am so disasterously afraid of eating anything.

Alright well that did turn out to be long anyway, as it always does...I just want to say that to all you who are here because you want to be "anorexic", and lose 20lbs, that's not anorexia. You have no idea. Turn around and get help now because you need it. But don't do this. It's not worth it. 11 years of my life, my childhood, my adolescence, my teenagehood...gone. And I can't get them back. And nobody can explain to you how muich suffering and pain is involved in this that nobody ever deserves to go through.

Emily

So this morning, to my delight, I stepped on the scale to find that 4 lbs had miraculously disappeared. I know it's not possible to lose that much in one day, but since I hadn't been weighing myself (because I was too ashamed) up until yesterday, I'm hoping I was just carrying some water weight. I did go to the gym yesterday and burned more than I ate, so I know that I did lose some real weight.

32 lbs to go...

Today is going really well. I have already been to the gym, and I only burned 400 cals, but hey it's better than nothing. I'm going back tomorrow and I'll do more.

So basically I am just trying to survive the weekend, get to the gym every day, and eat whatever...well, under 600cals/day. And I am looking forward to Monday. Weakends are always my downfall. But I know that if I can make it through this weekend, then I am set, and I will make this goal for sure.

'Night! Em

Well well well...today was so abnormally good! I had a dreadfully long weekend and was really depressed but I all of a sudden felt great today.

Last weekend was hard. I realized that my social anxiety and isolation is completely out of control. I thought a lot about where I am going with all of this, and thought a good deal about getting help now. But in the end I decided that I can't anyway, because I have to finish school (I'm done high school forever in January!!) and besides, I couldn't let myself down like that; I have to at least reach my current goal. I also realized that I really can't recover in outpatient, as I have a severe phobia of meals and even though I've been eating what seems like a tremendous amount over the last week, when I stop to add things up I still can't eat a "normal" amount. So I am just taking it easy the next few days, eating under 600 cals a day and going to the gym, and come Monday, it's time to h a u l a s s !! For the next five weeks, until Christmas, I will be eating around 150 cals a day in yogurt, carrots, and celery. I did this diet last week and the weight came off fast, so I will reach my goal well within time...what I will do then, I do not know, and I prefer not to think about it until I get there. But I know that this is IT, I will be STRONG and will not give in until I get there.

Shoot for the moon...and damnwell land there!

Emily

Well today went really well! I made my weight this week (5 lbs) and am off to a good start for the next. Today I ate yogurt, carrots, and celery, took all my pills, and went to the gym. I had such a good workout...it felt great. I did 45 mins of an aerobics class, then 25 mins on the eliptical, so in total burned about 700 cals. I can't wait to see what my weight is tomorrow! I hope it's down!
adios amigos
emily

Well I fasted for two days, which went well! I planned to break it on Saturday because I was afraid of slowing down my metabolism and binging out of my mind on Monday.

My new plan: 90 cals yogurt once a day, as well as carrots and celery. That's going to be my diet until I reach my first goal weight.

I've lost some weight since last week, can't wait to lose more!

Think thin!
Emily

Well the last few days haven't been too bad. not great, but definitely not as bad as they could be.

I finally bought a scale!! I am so rediculously happy about this. I've gained a bit of weight from slipping, so that means my goal is to lose 37 pounds in 7.5 weeks. I know I can definitely do this, since I've lost nearly 30 true lbs in less than 4 weeks before. This means that I have to lose 5 lbs every week, and then 2 more over 4 days. I just need to stay motivated, and now that I have this clear goal and have figured out the legistics, I know I can push myself to do it.

So I had an interesting experience today at the doctor's. First of all, I really didn't want to go because I knew she would want to know everything that was going on with my eating. I only needed a prescription. And as it turned out, I thought correctly. We talked in circles for a while, me denying that I was unhappy, even though I happened to be crying, and trying to convince her that things were okay and I liked the way things were going mostly; and her saying that I should see a new psychiatrist, and there's this great program I can do, because I want to get some help because I'm so miserable, RIGHT? ugh. In the end, I agreed to see this psychiatrist just once, just to meet him.

The other thing, was that she said the meds I'm on right now cause a big increase in appetite. And -here's the knee-slapper- she actually prescribed me an appetite SUPPRESSOR!! She decreased one drug and added this new one. Ohhhhmigawd seriously I don't know what she was thinking, but this is like the best thing that could have happened! I think her logic was in efforts to try to get me to stop purging. She figured that if I wasn't hungry, then I wouldn't eat as much, and therefore I would not purge. I hope to hell it works damn well cause I plan on not eating!!

I didn't realize it until today, but I am now taking an awful lot of supplements and pills in my desperate attempt to lose weight:
apple cidar vinegar; cayenne pepper; multi-vitamin/mineral; Smartburn with hoodia; or Green tea extract; CLA; sylvester...something i can't remember the rest of the name!; prescribed appetite suppressant; salmon oil
most of these things i just heard may have something to do with weight loss, so i said, I'll take 'em all! I want to get Q10 co-enzyme too but that works with L-cartinine which is a controlled substancee in Canada. BUT I WANT IT DAMMIT!

I'm starting a fast tomorrow. I was supposed to start today but I messed up, as usual, in my stupid cooking class at school. Gawd only knows WHY THE HELL I am in that class in the first place. I mean seriously, I CLEARLY did NOT think that one through. So then I tried to purge but it wouldn't come up. ugh. But I honestly mean it this time, and I will fast for four days, right through till Monday. I MUST DO THIS!! 5 pounds gone by this time next week!

Alright, that is me my dear friends. Anyone want to do the fast with me, just email me...I'm always here haha.

xox- emilina

Hey peeps! oooooooohmigawd I had SUCH a good day today! I'm so proud of myself. I got up on time this morning, ate according to my plan, EXCEPT LESS!! and went to the gym to boot. Here was today:

30g cream of wheat - 130
1 apple (120g) - 70
10 low-fat pretzels - 60
7 ww soda crackers - 90
3tsp oxo chicken stock - 30

Total: 380
Burned at gym: 630

I actually forgot to eat lunch! haha that was good, except bad because I'm so compulsive and everything HAS TO GO EXACTLY AS PLANNED!!! so then I had to eat at an unscheduled time which I felt very bad for. But I had to or else my mum wouldn't let me take the car to the gym. It was also hard (in an absurd way) to eat less than what I had planned out last night. I was supposed to have 446 calories today but because I forgot to eat lunch and wasn't very hungry, I got by on less...the weird thing is that my compulsivity affected even that. It was really hard for me to allow myself to divert from my plan, even though it meant eating LESS calories! Sometimes I just don't get myself.

Well I am super excited because Nelly and I are starting a new plan together. Today was a 400cal day, which will be followed tomorrow by a fruit and veggie day, and then a day of fasting and the next back to 400. I think it's going to work really well for me! I know it will.

Today I also bought a new diet product. I ran out of my thermogenic, so I bought this new one that has hoodia in it as well, and a bunch of other natural stuff that sounded impressive (haha, hence I bought it). It was pretty expensive though, and I'm pretty broke...so that works out...how?? You can tell where my priorities lie...

A'ight that's it for now!

* I'm not there yet, but I am closer than I was yesterday *

Ems

Well the last time I wrote, I was doing my cleanse and things were going well. I have noooo idea what happened though!

This week was horrible. I haven't touched laxatives in a few years, and this week I went through them by the bottle. I was also purging a lot. I feel so horrible...all I want is just to not eat, and not want to. I need to lose weight! Nobody understands how badly I just want to shrink away. I feel so weak for giving in to these cravings this week. I could feel myself gaining weight by the minute, though I did not go near a scale. Anyway, tomorrow, I will start again, and put this last week behind me. AND I WILL STICK TO MY PLANS!! I will go to the gym every day. I will eat next to nothing. And I will damn well like it.

Well today is the first day of my cleanse! I am fasting except for this drink concoction. I haven't decided yet exactly how long I will do it for...I thought I would just do it for the weekend, but I'm thinking I may want to continue for an entire 5-7 days.

Today went well because I kept busy. I am making ana bracelets tonight, which I am pretty damn excited about! haha I'm a dork...

Anyway, I think I've been losing a lot of weight lately...the jeans that I bought three weeks ago (because all my others were too big) are now really baggy in the butt and thighs, and loose around the hips. I now only have one belt that fits, although it's getting pretty big too. All this is of course wonderful...but I just bought those jeans dammit!! I guess I'll wait another few weeks before I buy another pair since I plan on losing more.

Today I also bought new work-out clothes. I have to admit, my ass looked pretty nice in the pants. But I did notice how thin my top is when I was in the changing room. My back is skeletal, and you can see my chest bones and ribs, and my clavicles stick out, which I loooove! I was pretty impressed, because of course to me it feels like I haven't losts that much weight; it's not noticeable. I still think I have tooons of weight on me that I can lose. It's mainly my lower half that I am concerned about. I want stick legs!!

Aight well that's all for now folks!

Emily

Well things are looking up after another dismal weekend. The only good thing about the weekend was that I boosted up my metabolism, so hopefully I will lose a decent amount of weight this week.

The whole weight thing, for me, is sort of odd. I don't have a scale at home, so the only time I get to weigh myself is when I'm at the gym, and this is always inaccurate because it's at different times later in the day. I was thinking today how it's also kind of strange (but maybe to do with the fact that I can't moniter my weight properly) that I do not set weight goals with specific dates. It could simply be that in the past, when I've been really sick, I have lost insane amounts of numbers in very short periods of time. So I guess now, I just know that if I'm doing it right, then I will lose lots of weight. And I have lost quite a bit, I know that because for a while in the summer I was monitering my weight accurately, and also because all of my clothes, especially my pants and bras, are far too big and baggy -even the jeans I bought two weeks ago are now big on me. This gives me an enormous sense of satisfaction. But I still think I look really fat. And my weight is still in the healthy weight range; it just happens to be around 40lbs lower than it was three months ago. I think that's the worst part, is that I have been working so damn hard, and even though I have succeeded in losing a significant amount of weight, the number still seems so high to me. It needs to be lower, much lower, for it to count as true success for me. So I often wonder: what weight will be low enough for me?

My new plan is that I am only allowed one meal a day (I've been having two for the past few weeks), and that meal is breakfast. I am allowed up to 200 calories. Everyday I go to the gym and burn 600-800 calories. This weekend I am really excited because I am doing a cleanse. As a part of it, I will be fasting for three days. I decided I had to do this to keep myself from eating this weekend, since I always end up overeating on weekends. I will be strong and not give in!!

Today:
2 egg whites -30
1 low-fat turkey peperoni stick -50
1 multigrain rice cake -45
100g frozen grapes -70
Total: 195 calories
Gym: 400 (aerobics class) 300 (eliptical)
I have a cello class tonight so I'm keeping really busy which is good!

*-you only fail if you stop trying-*

later gaters,
Emily

I thought, as my first entry, I would let you all in on a few secrets of the sparkling underworld of my bond with ana.

The whole thing started to develop when I was about 8 years old. Ten years later, I can confidently say that my eating disorder has effectively devoured my youth, eroding it, in what seemed to be the time frame of Overnight, into an unsettling sort of corpse left vacillating on the frail line between Here and Gone.

"Most responsible diagnosis: Anorexia Nervosa.
secondary diagnosis: major depression."

I have spent hours digging through my life as a teenager, which is documented in thick piles of hospital records, doctors' orders, nurses' loggings, notes from psychiatry and counseling. My time can be just as easily consumed by the hundreds of pages of my own versions of the stories, spread out in over a dozen journals.

I have been on the verge of being sick. I have been sick. I have been very sick. I have been better and healthy and in recovery and even "recovered." This path that has consumed my every thought for so long does not have any definitive qualities. Where it came from, is a foggy question, requiring painful excursions into the underworld. There is no certainty where it will lead to, or if, and when, and where, and how, it will eventually reach a point, where ceases to exist.

Not knowing, having no certainty, no control, and no sense of self; this, is the torture of The Underworld.